Dark thoughts
My regime of eating small but frequent amounts seems to be working. I chew everything at least 20 times. I take no food that passes my lips for granted. I thank God every time my bowel functions normally. I don’t feel like the same person any more.
I still find it impossible to believe that I have had a cancer growing inside me for at least a year now. I was feeling exhausted, but then everyone at work felt like that. I did wonder why I was breathless just running upstairs, but know now it was the severe anaemia that was undiagnosed.
I find myself going over it all in my head. I am sure that isn’t healthy so I try to immerse myself in a book or talk to my friends on the phone, Every now and then I return to that dark place in my head where I don’t want to be. I used to be OK with my own thoughts. Now I try to avoid dwelling on all of this. I still have not heard from the hospital about seeing the Cancer specialist. Part of me feels I should chase this up; part of me wants to ignore it.
I always told myself I would never succumb to Chemotherapy. My choices are limited. If I choose not to have the treatment I have little more than a year to live. I have to make a sensible decision, though my body doesn’t want any further assault. Reluctantly I telephone Jo, the Colorectal Clinical Nurse Specialist. She promises to co-ordinate an appointment for me. It is likely to be at the beginning of September. Why did I do that?
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