The first night on the ward does not surprise me as I still have my memories of the last stay. The woman in the adjoining bed is alternately moaning, crying and complaining for hours. Finally she drifts off to sleep. Half an hour later she suddenly shouts out “ Oh do be quiet! To no one in particular! Either she is extremely audacious or talking in her sleep.
I am in theatre for just over seven hours. For me the most disturbing thing is not remembering waking from the anaesthetic. Chris assures me I was communicating, but try as I might to remember I lost about two and a half days. In that time I experienced the most terrifying hallucinations which I took to be reality. Apparently this is not uncommon with liver operations; the liver clears the body of toxins and these toxins can cause hallucinations. Initially it seemed to Chris that the op went well and I was not in any immediate danger. After a couple of days I was downgraded to the High Dependency Unit from Intensive Care I was conscious after the op but couldn’t talk because of the tubes and drains. After the initial drowsiness of the drugs wore off I started to behave very strangely. I became agitated and loud. I was apparently aware that I was starting to hallucinate, thinking it was the effect of the drugs. By the Saturday I was ‘eccentric’ to say the least, laughing out loud, shouting without realising it, but still aware that I was behaving oddly. This gradually developed into a full blown period of about 48 hours where the hallucinations took over from reality. Chris was unprepared for this behaviour and had no idea it was not that much of an uncommon side effect. He sat up with me the whole of Saturday night. I was trying to jump out of the bed. I began screaming and swearing at other patients and visitors, totally confusing people, seeing things that weren’ there. I went through a period of staring eyes and biting my tongue which lasted about two hours. Chris thought I had brain damage. After two days it slowly began wearing off and I was realising that I had been battling in my own head caused by these hallucinations.
Whilst I was behaving in this way, my memories are of a long and hard fought battle. I had to list all the people around me that I loved in order, before I would be allowed to recover consciousness. At this stage I thought I hadn’t yet recovered from the anaesthetic snd that this was some kind of test. The first time I missed out my Dad and then had to start all over again. I was also given the power to decide if I should live or die and finally the power to say whether or not the world should go on. At that point I apparently flung a sick bowl across the ward which was my way of abdicating all responsibility from such a decision.
Daniel visited me a few days after the op which was wonderful. I was over most of the hallucinations by then and he and I held hands over my bile drain…probably not the most exciting way to communicate but certainly one of the most unusual!
Initially my recovery is good, but then the complications set in. I have a blood clot in the portal vein and my temperature is spiking high at night. They test for infection but it takes several weeks to get to the root of the problem. A pool of bile has gathered near the portal vein, constricting it and the narrowing is causing infection. They try various procedures in radiology to solve the problem, each one is painful and leaves me uncomfortable and fed up. I just don’t see an end to it all. The weeks go by, and it feels as though I take two steps forward then three back. To make matters worse, when I am well enough to get to the bathroom myself I discover that about 50 patients are sharing one bathroom which is nearly always occupied. The bath tub is impossible to enter or leave without a mechanical hoist and there isn’t even a shower. Can you imagine how it feels not to shower for weeks on end? Disgusting. I just want to go home and wonder how I can cope much longer in this painful brash and intrusive environment.
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