August 28th

I have my second Hospice appointment today. The consultant examines my tummy and is fairly certain the swelling is tumour and not fluid. He is surprised that I still haven’t had the appoinment for the scan. He will chase this up and I should hear sometime next week. I ask him some blunt questions about the progress of the disease and the likely time spans. He feels the best way to see it is to look at changes over the past weeks. They have been fairly dramatic. He increases my medication to improve my quality of life. He says that youth is on my side and the body can withstand all sorts of abuse before it gives up; but if I loose blood supply to vital organs there could be a sudden deterioration. In summary it is impossible to know how or when this will affect me. Perhaps it is better not to know after all.

I feel a bit down all afternoon, especially when I have to buy some maternity clothes for comfort. At least they fit well and aren’t so baggy in the leg; but I do feel odd going round Mothercare with pregnant women. My lump won’t emerge in nine months.

I am looking into joining the local leisure club in Seaview so I can swim when the weather cools down, without feeling the cold. Being a private pool it isn’t too chlorinated and if I can go regularly on weekdays it may help me feel better. I have emailed them to find out the possibilities.

Tomorrow we are off to London. I have to remove my Grandmother’s jewellery from a safety deposit box in Orpington so we can have it on the Isle of Wight. We are staying overnight in Greenwich and meeting some friends on Saturday; we have all supported each other through various types of cancer. It will be the first time since the major operation that I have been away without a drain attached! Hopefully the experience will be enhanced since we won’t have all the hassle of flushing, syringes etc.

Rachel had a terrible trip home, arriving sometime earlier this afternoon! They were stranded in Halifax for hours put up overnight in a hotel, and subsequently it seems their airline has gone bust. They were lucky to get back to Ottawa at all! Daniel's journey wasn't without strain either. It took him the best part of an hour to leave the ferry terminal in Southampton. Is there a message in all this for us?